Once Upon a Bordem
by Abigail-Nicole
Summary: Yes, dear reader, Abigail was bored. Now, since this once-in-a-lifetime phenomena happens only, well, once in a lifetime, you are being treated to a pointless fanfic by the Queen of Pointless Fanfics. Enjoy.
1. Story

**Once Upon a Bordem...**

**Summary:** Yes, dear reader, Abigail was bored. Now, since this once-in-a-lifetime phenomena happens only, well, once in a lifetime, you are being treated to a pointless fanfic by the Queen of Pointless Fanfics. Enjoy. 

**Rating:** PG

**Disclaimer:** I don't own HP or any components. I also don't own Sticky. Trayaryn is mine, however. 

* * *

Yes, dear reader, Abigail was bored. Now, since this once-in-a-lifetime phenomena happens only, well, once in a lifetime, you are being treated to a pointless fanfic by the Queen of Pointless Fanfics.Onto the story. 

The evil yellow day moon had set, and the evil white night sun was grinning as a crescent in the big black thing up there. Elephants were barking outsice, while Trayaryn the demon—daemon—rolled his eyes at his mistress's apparent insanity. 

Thigh-high boots were being worn with a purple shiny raincoat as dear Abigail sat on her bed, cross-legged (quite a feat in thigh-high boots). It was neither raining nor was she outside nor wading, but as this was Abigail's favorite, dream outift, she wore it regardless. Since it was her dream outfit, it is described in more detail. Glow-in-the dark stars gossipped along the ceiling as Abigail's butterfly chair—aka the Amyrlin Seat—was being occupied by the cat demon—daemon—Trayaryn. Abigail also wore mismatched, brightly coloreed, Day-Glo striped gloves with special holes for three-inch-long purple painted nails. Now, Abigail's raincoat was open, revealing a dress t-shirt that read: **Abigail, Purple Goddess of Insane Fanfic Authoresses**. On the back it read: **You are free to worship me anytime you please...** but that was hidden by the raincoat. She also wore a purple silk scarf and a fisherman's hat with the words: _SS Insanity_ written diagonally up the side. Now, on with the story. 

Now, our dear Abby was bored, so she picked up the fellytone to call her friend, Sticky (aka Musicgrl). 

"Hello?" Sticky asked (hereafter her only sentence not in all caps). 

"Sticky, this is Abby—" but Abigail was interrupted by a scream on the other end of the line. 

"DON'T HURT ME, PLEASE! I HAVE MONEY! DON'T HARM MY MOMMY!" 

Abigail stared into the phone. "I just wanted to you to write an HP fic with me," she said. 

"ANYTHING! JUST DON'T HURT MY MOMMY!" Sticky shouted. 

Abigail shrugged. Sticky always acted like this around her. "Meet you here in ten minutes, then," she said before replacing the reciever. 

Ten minutes later, a very frightened-looking Sticky was at her house. "RUN, MOMMY! SAVE YOURSELF!" she screamed as her mother as Abigail dragged her inside to the computer. 

_—It was a beautiful day, when, out of the purple, Harry, Hermione, and Ron all popped into Abby's house,—_ Abigail typed. 

And, consequently, out of the purple, Harry, Ron, and Hermione popped into Abby's house, ignoring Satrina yelling furiously at Abigail and Sticky again. Nobody was the least surprised at this but Sticky. 

"RUN WHILE YOU CAN!" she shrieked at them. Ron stared at her, then asked Abigail uncertainly: 

"Hey Abby, is she—sane?"

Abby shook her head sadly. "Poor Sticky," she said sympathetically before returning to her story. 

_—Surprisingly, they were shocked.—_

"WHAT?" Ron asked, shocked. 

"Exactly!" Abigail crowed triumphantly. 

"How could Hermione beat me again!?" Ron ranted, throwing his cards on the table. "That's the third game of rummy she's won! Dang it, my score is negative fifty five!" 

"Ha!" Hermione said triumphantly as she counted her cards. "That's 115 for me," she said happily. Harry and Ron glared at her. 

_—And on the authoress's whim, 17-year-old Sirius Black popped out of nothwere, too, mistakently thinking Harry was James (while being a complete and total hottie).—_

And magically, Sirius Black popped out of nowhere. "Hey, James!" he called, waving at James, who stood behind Harry's chair. "Hi, Harry!" he added. 

Abigail shrugged and surveyed the scene. "Needs flavor," she said suddenly. Sticky looked horrified, but before she could start shrieking in all caps again, Abigail typed: 

_—Then they were all covered in strawberries and sent to the Sahara desert.—_

Immediately, a thick layer of strawberries covered everyone, who started to eat them immediately. Sticky noticed a huge cloud of dust coming toward them. "SANDSTORM!" she shrieked. "RUN FOR YOUR LIVES! ABBY, YOU BETTER TYPE FOR OUR LIVES OR I'LL KILL YOU! HAVE MERCY!" 

_—A sandstorm enveloped them suddenly,—_ Abby had typed. "NOOOOOOO!!!!" shrieked Sticky, so she hastily added: _—But they were all in a submarine with satellite TV, so all was well.—_

And, of course, three seconds later they were in a submarine, sitting on couches around a wide screen TV with Spongebob. "RUMMY!" Sirius shrieked, and Ron groaned and hit himself on the head. 

_"WHO LIVES IN A PINEAPPLE UNDER THE SEA?"_ Abby shrieked. 

_"SPONGE-BOB SQUARE-PANTS!"_ everyone answered before going back to what they were doing. For the record, Sirius, Harry, Hermione and Ron were playing Rummy, Abigail was typing, and Sticky was running around, screaming like a chicken with its head cut off. 

"We need more characters," Abigail announced to the world at large. 

"Really?" asked the world at large. 

"Yep," Abby answered, determined. She began to type but was interrupted by Sticky, screaming in her customary all caps. 

"WHO SAID 'REALLY'?" she demanded. 

"The world at large, of course," Abby answered. 

"At large what?" Sirius wanted to know.

Abby paused. "Good questoin!" she said brightly. Hastily, she typed: _—But, however, a tragic thing occured.—_

"NOT AGAIN!" Sticky screamed. "HOW MANY TRAGIC THINGS HAVE TO HAPPEN TO US, ANYWAY???!!" 

"I need the Marauder's—," Harry began, but Abigail interrupted him. 

"Wonderful idea!" She typed. _—Out of nowhere, three more cast members appeared, one of the Marauders already being present.—_

"That is tragic," said Hermione pityingly. 

"That I'm here or that three more character showed up?" Sirius asked as he laid down three threes. 

"Threes are dead," Harry said, lying down the other one. They turned over threes. 

"Both," Hermione answered. "Who were they?"

_—They were none other than James Potter, Lily Evans, and Remus Lupin—_ Abigail typed, forgetting a comma. All characters appeared in their respective places at the Rummy table. 

"Hey, all," James said, looking around.

_—Of course, an inevitable confrontation between James and Harry was eminent...not to mention Lily.—_

"Fine, don't mention me, then," said Lily dangerously, pulling out her wand 

_—And Lily had no wand,—_ Abigail typed hurriedly. Lily's wand disappeared. "My wand!" she shrieked. 

_—But as soon as Harry recognized his parents, chaos ensued.—_

"WHAT?" Sticky shrieked. "OUR SATELLITE'S NOT WORKING?" The room erupted in chaos. 

"Down with satellite!" Sirius shouted. 

"Up with cable!" Harry agreed. 

"We want Spongebob!" Abigial shouted. 

"WE WANT OUR MTV!" shouted guess-who. 

"We want TV!" Remus protested. 

"We want MONEY!" Ron screamed. Everyone stared at him. "Well, we do," Ron said, shrugging. 

"We should sue!" Lily screamed, and everyone joined in again. 

"We demand minority rights!" James yelled. 

"We want tax reforms!"

"We want a new President!"

"I don't think Morroco has a president," Abigail mused. "Isn't the Sahara Desert in Morroco?"

But no one was listening to her. 

"We want Free Speech!" 

"We want Freedom of Press!"

"And Religion!"

Abigiail, using her women's intuition, sensed the situation was getting out of hand, so she typed quickly: _—It began to rain.—_

This had no effect because they were in a submarine, so Abby typed: _—And the submarine disappeared, leaving our heroes alone, in a sandstorm, in the rain. Things had never looked bleaker.—_

"I dunno about that," Harry disagreed. "Things looked bleaker at the Dursley's, when I foudn the sorcerer's stone, when I was in the Chamber of Secrets, when Voldemort came back—" 

"It's a stupid literary device!" Abigail interrupted, getting POed. 

"It is stupid," Harry said skeptically, but was interrupted by James. (Boy, aren't they impolite, interrupting everyone?)

"Who are the Dursleys?" he frowned. "Why aren't you living with me and Lily?" 

"Lily and **I**," Abigail shouted, actually being gramatically wrong by correcting him, because he was right the first time—I mean, you wouldn't say: "Why aren't you living with I?" would you, now?— but James ignored her. 

"My neglectful relatives who neglect me," Harry answered self-pityingly. Lily looked horrified and rushed over to give him a hug. 

"Don't worry, Mommy will take care of you," she whispered soothingly, hugging Harry tightly.

"Even though you're only seventeen," Hermione said dryly. Lily glared at her. 

"I might not be married yet, but he's still my son, okay?"

"He looks more like Prongs," Sirius commented. 

"He's got Lily's eyes," Remus disagreed. "And her build. He's not as tall as James." 

"Er, hang on," Ron said blankly. "Didn't you three write the Marauder's Map?" 

Sirius beamed. "A clever invention, that!" he said happily. "And it was my idea, all my idea. You see, I was bored, and we were sitting in the common room—" and here he started on a long and tedious story which I will not type, much like Abigail's story of How Sticky Became Evil and How Abby and Her Best Friend Corrupted The Innocent One to Become Sticky, but both of those are irrelevant and pointless and boring and long-winded. 

Meanwhile, sand got in everyone's eyes. 

"HOW CAN IT BE RAINING DURING A SANDSTORM?" Sticky screeched. "This isn't real, this is a stupid fanfic, I'm going to wake up and it will all be gone, it's not real, I will wake up, I'm going to wake up....I'M GOING TO DIE!!!" she screamed, part of that sentence actually not said in all caps. She's making progress. 

_—Suddenly, everyone started speaking pig latin.—_ Abigailyay ypedtay. 

"ATWHAY? ATWHAY AREYAY EYAY AYINGSAY?" Ickystay eamedscray. " IYAY AN'TCAY UNDERSTANDYAY YSELFMAY ALKTAY! ATWHAY AMYAY IYAY AYINGSAY? ELPHAY EMAY!" 

"UMMYRAY!" Ilylay outedshay iumphantlytray. 

"hmmmay...isthay ouldcay esentpray ayay oblempray," Abigailyay ownedfray. "Ellway, Iyay uessgay eway an'tcay alktay ikelay isthay, ancay eway?" Eshay ypedtay: _—Eythay allyay eganbay eakingspay Englishyay.—_

Immediately, everyone began speaking Engligsh again. 

"That was hard to type," Abigail commented softly. "Atwhay oday youay owknay?" 

Sticky stared at her, horrified. Abigail grinned. "I can speak English, it was a joke," she said impatiently. 

"That was awesome!" Sirius yelled. "Do another one!"

And because Abigail thinks Sirius is *whistle* hot, she did. "NOOOO!!!!!" Sticky screamed, but it was in vain. Abby typed: 

_—After her other fun experience, Abigail decided they should all speak in...Sweedish Chef.—_

"VHET?" Steecky screemed. Bork bork bork! "I DON'T IFEN KNOV SVEEDISH!!!! I CEN'T TELK LIKE A SVEEDISH CHEF! VEIT, VHET EM I SEYING?" 

Ebeegeil looghed hystereecelly. Bork bork bork! "Leestee tu yuoorselff, Steecky!" she-a geeggled. Bork bork bork! "I shuoold du thees in ifery funffeec!"

"NOOOOO!" ell zee cunun roommy-pleyeeng cherecters screemed. Bork bork bork! 

"Vhet is veet zee burks?" Sureeoos esked, skepteecelly. Bork bork bork! 

"I doonnu," Ebeegeil shroogged. Bork bork bork! "I'm oon thees vebseete-a thet trunsletes it fur yuoo, su vhet du I knoo?"

"Guud qooesshun," Herry groombled, boot Ebeegeil heerd. Bork bork bork! 

"I heerd thet!" she-a seeed. Bork bork bork! "I knoo a lut!"

"Joost chunge-a it beck!" Leely shreeeked. Bork bork bork! "Ioogh! I hete-a telkeeng leeke-a thees!" 

Jemes looghed es Ebeegeil typed: _—Zeen zeey ell telked in regooler lungooege-a...Ingleesh, thet is. Um gesh dee bork, bork!—_

Immediately, everything was back to English, for the sanity of all. "I like Pig Latin better," Sirius said, but Sticky interrupted before purple fangirl (Abigail) could type them all back into Pig Latin. 

"AREN'T WE SUPPOSED TO BE IN A SANDSTORM?" she howled over the wind, which returned to full force, which Abigail had forgotten about during the dialect fun. 

_—Um...the sandstorm suddenly disappeared and they were all on a beach in Saint Thomas in the Virgin Islands,—_ Abigail typed suddenly. 

"Now _this_ is the lifestyle!" Harry said with satisfaction. "I win!" 

"Crap!" Ron said after a moment, studying his hand. "Well, that puts me fifty points in the hole." 

"How is it that Moony always manages these things?" Sirius demanded disgustedly, throwing down two aces and two queens. Remus grinned self satisfactorily as he collected cards. 

"That'll be about ninety five for me, and how many do I take away there, Lily?" he asked smugly. 

Lily glared at him. 

Sticky, the poor thing, seemed on the verge of a nervous collapse, staring at Abigail, one eyebrow twitching uncontrollably, staring at Abigail like she would go insane at any moment. 

"No fear," Abigail told her. "I plan on us staying here for the remainder of the fic...or at least, this chapter." 

_—And so the chapter ended—_ Abigail typed. _—Our heroes and a very nervous Sticky about to have an anxiety attack played Rummy on the beach in the Virgin Islands for the rest of the chapter in peace. Tune in next time to hear Abigail type—_

But her tirade was cut short by Sticky typing in very big, bold letters:

_—**THE END!!!**—_


	2. Insanity After the Story

_Scene: A girl with purple dreadlocked hair, a purple raincoat, umbrella, and thigh-high boots sits in front of a computer, a two liter of vanilla coke at her side, in a small white padded room._

Girl: Oh Siri, Siri darling!!!  
Sirius: NO! *runs and hides*  
Girl: *dreamily* You can't run from me, Siri darling...I'm the Authoress, and guess what?  
Sirius: I'm a figment of your imagination?   
Girl: That too, but that means that I control you!  
Sirius: RUN!   
Lily: *materalizing out of nowhere* Hey Abigail, you aren't torturing Sirius again, are you?   
Abigail: *drops Sirius guiltily* No...  
Lily: You remember that talk we had about Canon characters?   
Abigail: ....yes...  
Lily: And you promised you would keep us in character...?   
Abigail: *sullenly* Yes. Why am I being controlled by the characters? I created you and I own you!   
Lily: Ahem...canon characters, Abby dear.   
Sirius: *falls on his knees* All hail Lily, savior of me!   
James: *also materializing out of nowhere* Sirius, are you actually kissing Lily's shoe?  
Sirius: *scrambling up* No! What would give you that idea!  
Abigail: All right! Canon characters considered, *glares at Lily* you are going to MST a fic because I am making you! And despite Lilisies inhibitions with this form of writing, for my own amusement I'm making you!   
*tries to snap fingers melodramatically and fails*   
Sirius: *coughGigglecough*  
Abby glares and snaps fingers. Immediately, the walls in the white room are filled with fanfic words. She snaps again and all are seated on a couch facing the words except for Abigail, who is engrossed in a game of Freecell and forgets all about her guests, sucking on her Vanilla Coke. Let the MSTing begin! 

* * *

**Once Upon a Bordem...**

Lily: Why am I getting an omnious feeling already?   
James: Why do people like to torture us in bordem?  
Peter: Why do fanfic authors hate me so much?   
Remus: Why are we are all asking rhetorical questions?  
Sirius: How many licks does it take to get to the tootsie roll center of a tootsie pop? 

**Summary:** Yes, dear reader, Abigail was bored. Now, since this once-in-a-lifetime phenomena happens only, well, once in a lifetime, you are being treated to a pointless fanfic by the Queen of Pointless Fanfics. Enjoy. 

Remus:...Now we know why Abigail is in a locked room.   
Peter: Hey, if she's playing Freecell and not thinking about us, why do we continue to exist? Aren't we figments of her imagination?   
Lily: If only...

**Rating:** PG

All: Halelujah! 

**Disclaimer:** I don't own HP or any components.

All: again, Halelujah! 

I also don't own Sticky. Trayaryn is mine, however. 

******* 

Sirius: AAAH! THE STARS ARE ATTACKING!   
Lily: Sirius, aren't page break jokes gettting really old?   
Peter: They were really old the first time. Who makes fun of how someone sets up a page, anyway?   
James: Well, in this case...

Yes, dear reader, Abigail was bored.

Lily: Which is strange, considering her ability to keep herself entertained with toothpicks and paper clips.   
Abigail: *playing with toothpicks and paper clips* One day, Mr. Paper Clip left his toothpick house to drive to work in his toothpick car....vroom!  
Remus: *after a short silence* Yeah, that is kind of disturbing.   
Sirius: That's disturbing to me.   
James: Wow, she must really be insane. 

Now, since this once-in-a-lifetime phenomena happens only, well,

Sirius: ONCE IN A LIFETIME! 

once in a lifetime,

Sirius: WOOT! I rock! Oh yeah! 

you are being treated to a pointless fanfic by the Queen of Pointless Fanfics.Onto the story. 

The evil yellow day moon had set,

Lily: The what?   
Sirius: The evil yellow day moon, of course!   
Remus: Yeah Lily, you don't know what the evil yellow day moon is?  
Peter: You know, rises in the morning, start of all energy on earth, plants use it to make food, that evil yellow day moon?   
Lily: the sun?   
James: Right!!! 

and the evil white night sun

Sirius: I'm guessing that's the moon, but that was a really bad take on the Evil Yellow day moon. 

was grinning as a crescent in the big black thing up there. Elephants were barking outside,

Remus: Now that is Abigail-like.

while Trayaryn the demon—daemon—rolled his eyes at his mistress's apparent insanity. 

Thigh-high boots were being worn with a purple shiny raincoat 

Lily: Which has to be the weirdest outfit in the history of the world.   
Sirius: It is kind of weird. What's her obsession with purple, anyway?   
Remus: Don't say that word---  
Abigail: *screaming* PURPLE!

as dear Abigail sat on her bed, cross-legged

Lily: quite a feat, in thigh-high boots with four inch heels. 

(quite a feat in thigh-high boots). 

Lily: Oooh, that is scary.   
Remus: You're telling me...

It was neither raining nor was she outside nor wading,

James: Which I presume the story would have told us,

but as this was Abigail's favorite, dream outift, she wore it regardless. Since it was her dream outfit, it is described in more detail.

Sirius: Can we skip all this? This is boring.   
Remus: How much you wanna bet we all end up insane before the fic's over?   
All raise hands. 

Glow-in-the dark stars gossipped along the ceiling as Abigail's butterfly chair—aka the Amyrlin Seat—

Sirius: ooh, that was a bad WoT refrence.   
All besides Sirius: What?   
Sirius: Exactly! 

was being occupied by the cat demon—daemon—Trayaryn. 

James: Who's Trayaryn?   
Lily: You met Trayaryn, her daemon? He's the sensible side. 

Abigail also wore mismatched, brightly coloreed, Day-Glo striped gloves with special holes for three-inch-long purple painted nails.

Lily: Fashion police! Somebody call the fashion police! Ew, gross!   
Peter: Now Lily, you're starting to sound like a priss...  
Lily: There's a difference between a priss and someone who knows a horrible outfit, and that is a HORRIBLE outfit. 

Now, Abigail's raincoat was open, revealing a dress t-shirt that read: **Abigail, Purple Goddess of Insane Fanfic Authoresses**. 

James: *thoughtful* Why do I not doubt that? 

On the back it read: **You are free to worship me anytime you please...** but that was hidden by the raincoat.

Remus: They why are we being informed of it? 

She also wore a purple silk scarf and a fisherman's hat with the words: _SS Insanity_ written diagonally up the side. Now, on with the story. 

All: Halelujah! 

Now, our dear Abby was bored, so she picked up the fellytone

James: *looks blank* the what?   
Sirius: What does WoT have to do with a fellytone?   
Lily: It's a telephone.  
Sirius: *bursts into song* I wonder where you are tonight, no answer on the telephone...what's next?   
Peter: Muggle music. I told Sirius he was going to get it one day, listening to that old Muggle radio he fixed in his room. 

to call her friend, Sticky (aka Musicgrl). 

Remus: *blankly* Why would we need to know her as Musicgrl?   
Lily: ....we don't?

"Hello?" Sticky asked (hereafter her only sentence not in all caps). 

Peter: Thanks for the warning, then.  
James: At least she's merciful. 

"Sticky, this is Abby—" but Abigail was interrupted by a scream on the other end of the line. 

Lily: Why do I find myself sympathizing with Sticky after this point?  
Remus: I would assume that's the natural reaction when receiving a phone call from Abigail.   
Sirius: What's a telephone?   
Lily: You took Muggle Studies.   
Sirius: Only to watch the movies!   
James: *rolls eyes* a device Muggles use to talk to each other, Sirius. 

"DON'T HURT ME, PLEASE! I HAVE MONEY! DON'T HARM MY MOMMY!" 

Abigail stared into the phone. "I just wanted to you to write an HP fic with me," she said. 

All: NOOO!!!!!

"ANYTHING! JUST DON'T HURT MY MOMMY!" Sticky shouted. 

Abigail shrugged. Sticky always acted like this around her.

James: They why is she your friend...?   
Remus: Don't we all act like that around Sirius?   
Sirius: Only on my Siriusly Sugar High days.   
Peter: I'm beginning to feel sorry for Sticky! 

"Meet you here in ten minutes, then," she said before replacing the reciever. 

Ten minutes later, a very frightened-looking Sticky was at her house. "RUN, MOMMY! SAVE YOURSELF!" she screamed as her mother as Abigail dragged her inside to the computer. 

MWPP: What?   
Lily: *shrugs* This is the seventies, people.   
Abigail: *suddenly* A computer. This thing. You don't need to know.

_—It was a beautiful day, when, out of the purple,_

Sirius: That's original.   
James: Abigail is original.   
Peter: That's the one thing you can say about her. She's scary as hell, but she's original. 

_ Harry, Hermione, and Ron all popped into Abby's house,—_ Abigail typed. 

Sirius: And they did! 

And, consequently, out of the purple, Harry, Ron, and Hermione popped into Abby's house, 

Sirius: Oh yeah, I am good! 

ignoring Satrina 

All: WHO?  
Satrina: ME, you nimwits! I'm the fictional, omniscient, sarcastic, sardonic, omnipotent character Abigail created in a fatal mistake one day!  
All: Oh! 

yelling furiously at Abigail and Sticky again. Nobody was the least surprised at this but Sticky. 

Remus: Surprised because Satrina was yelling or that Harry, Ron, and Hermione popped into her house? 

"RUN WHILE YOU CAN!" she shrieked at them. Ron stared at her, then asked Abigail uncertainly: 

Remus: Do you know the Muffin Man?   
James: Who wants to be a millionare?   
Peter: When was the war of 1812?  
Lily: Why do they have braille on drive-up ATM machines?   
Sirius: *singing* Did you really want to hurt me? Did you really want to make me cry? 

"Hey Abby, is she—sane?"

Sirius: Ha! You're all wrong! I was right!!   
James: No Sirius, you were left. 

Abby shook her head sadly. "Poor Sticky," she said sympathetically before returning to her story. 

_—Surprisingly, they were shocked.—_

Remus: So what's in the lines and italicized is what Abby types?   
Lily: I think so, yep. 

"WHAT?" Ron asked, shocked. 

Sirius:[as Ron] HOW could you get pictures of Snape dancing on the table with the lightshade on? I need some! 

"Exactly!" Abigail crowed triumphantly. 

Sirius: Why, thank you. *bows* 

"How could Hermione beat me again!?" Ron ranted, throwing his cards on the table. "That's the third game of rummy she's won! Dang it, my score is negative fifty five!" 

James: Dang, that is a horrible score in Rummy. He must really, really suck.  
Lily: Or have you for a Rummy partner.   
James:What? Hey!   
Peter: Not the brightest bulb in the box, our James.   
James: Excuse me, I'm top of every class   
Lily: But Charms.  
James: But charms. I'm an Animagus, I'm top Quidditch chaser, I'm head boy, and I have a damned pretty girlfriend!   
Remus:....and what's your point?   
James: Nothing.   
Remus: That's what I thought. 

"Ha!" Hermione said triumphantly as she counted her cards. "That's 115 for me," she said happily. Harry and Ron glared at her. 

Remus: They really DO suck at Rummy. 

_—And on the authoress's whim, 17-year-old Sirius Black popped out of nothwere, too, _

Sirius: Hi, me! *waves* 

_ mistakently thinking Harry was James (while being a complete and total hottie).—_

Remus: *snort*   
Sirius: What? I am!   
James: Yeah, and remember, Abigail is writing this, who is obsessed with you.   
Sirius: *pales* Oh!

And magically, Sirius Black popped out of nowhere. "Hey, James!" he called, waving at James, who stood behind Harry's chair. "Hi, Harry!" he added. 

All: ...-_-  
Remus: Didn't she just defeat her point? 

Abigail shrugged and surveyed the scene. "Needs flavor," she said suddenly. 

Lily: [as Trelwaney] Bad feeling. My inner eye senses a distincitve bad aura...

Sticky looked horrified, but before she could start shrieking in all caps again, Abigail typed: 

_—Then they were all covered in strawberries and sent to the Sahara desert.—_

Peter: Well, that's one way to add flavor.   
Sirius: I kind of like the strawberry part. 

Immediately, a thick layer of strawberries covered everyone, who started to eat them immediately. Sticky noticed a huge cloud of dust coming toward them. "SANDSTORM!" she shrieked. "RUN FOR YOUR LIVES! ABBY, YOU BETTER TYPE FOR OUR LIVES OR I'LL KILL YOU!

All: GO STICKY! 

HAVE MERCY!" 

_—A sandstorm enveloped them suddenly,—_ Abby had typed. "NOOOOOOO!!!!" shrieked Sticky, so she hastily added: _—But they were all in a submarine with satellite TV, so all was well.—_

And, of course, three seconds later they were in a submarine, sitting on couches around a wide screen TV with Spongebob. "RUMMY!" Sirius shrieked, and Ron groaned and hit himself on the head. 

Sirius: WOOT, baby! WOOT!   
Lily: Is Sirius starting to talk in hacker-speech?   
James:....isn't this this seventies?   
Lily: RIGHT! 

_"WHO LIVES IN A PINEAPPLE UNDER THE SEA?"_ Abby shrieked. 

All: ?????   
Peter: That was random

_"SPONGE-BOB SQUARE-PANTS!"_

All: Who? 

everyone answered before going back to what they were doing. For the record, Sirius, Harry, Hermione and Ron were playing Rummy, Abigail was typing, and Sticky was running around, screaming like a chicken with its head cut off. 

Sirius: Well, what else would she be doing?   
Remus: If only.   
Peter: Hey wait, how can she _scream_ like a chicken with its head cut off? A chicken with its head cut off doesn't have vocal chords.   
Lily: Peter, you're trying to make it make sense. Impossible to do. 

"We need more characters," Abigail announced to the world at large. 

Sirius: [as the world at large] I completely disagree. 

"Really?" asked the world at large. 

Sirius: But I'm the world at large! 

"Yep," Abby answered, determined. She began to type but was interrupted by Sticky, screaming in her customary all caps. 

"WHO SAID 'REALLY'?" she demanded. 

Lily: Why, the world at large, of course  
James: Weren't you listening?   
Remus: Really Sticky, we expected better of you. 

"The world at large, of course," Abby answered. 

Peter: Of course.   
Sirius: At large what? 

"At large what?" Sirius wanted to know.

Sirius: Okay, that is creepy

Abby paused. "Good questoin!"

Remus: Questoin? Abby's usually good at typos and fixing them. 

she said brightly. Hastily, she typed: _—But, however, a tragic thing occured.—_

Lily: [dryly] We were made to read this fic?   
Sirius: You were born?   
James: They all ended up in the South of France?   
Peter: Thats's not tragic. Tragic would be the TV going out. Wait, how do I know what a TV is?   
Lily: Abigail. 

"NOT AGAIN!" Sticky screamed. "HOW MANY TRAGIC THINGS HAVE TO HAPPEN TO US, ANYWAY???!!" 

"I need the Marauder's—,"

Marauders: MAP!

Harry began, but Abigail interrupted him. 

"Wonderful idea!" She typed. _—Out of nowhere, three more cast members appeared, one of the Marauders already being present.—_

James: Hey, wasn't I there too? I was standing behind Harry, right?   
Sirius: Yeah, I waved at you, remember?   
Lily: And I'm not in this for once! Who-hoo! 

"That is tragic," said Hermione pityingly. 

"That I'm here or that three more character showed up?" Sirius asked as he laid down three threes. 

"Threes are dead," Harry said, lying down the other one. They turned over threes. 

"Both," Hermione answered. "Who were they?"

_—They were none other than James Potter, Lily Evans, and Remus Lupin—_ Abigail typed, forgetting a comma. 

Peter: YES! I'm not in this one!   
Lily: Since when did I become a Marauder?   
Remus: Why didn't she just correct the comma mistake instead of typing out: "forgetting a comma"?

All characters appeared in their respective places at the Rummy table. 

"Hey, all," James said, looking around.

_—Of course, an inevitable confrontation between James and Harry was eminent...not to mention Lily.—_

Lily: Fine, don't mention me then. 

"Fine, don't mention me, then," said Lily dangerously, pulling out her wand 

Lily: Oooh, that is scary. 

_—And Lily had no wand,—_ Abigail typed hurriedly. Lily's wand disappeared.

Lily: How dare you! I like my wand very much, thank you! I want it back! 

"My wand!" she shrieked. 

_—But as soon as Harry recognized his parents, chaos ensued.—_

James: Because Sirius started throwing random Dungbombs at people.   
Sirius: *looks blank* does that cause chaos? Really? I never noticed.   
Remus: Is that why you keep doing it, then?   
Sirius: No, I like the smell.   
All: -_-  
Peter: We always knew there was something wrong with that kid. 

"WHAT?" Sticky shrieked. "OUR SATELLITE'S NOT WORKING?"

All: OH NO! 

The room erupted in chaos. 

"Down with satellite!" Sirius shouted. 

"Up with cable!" Harry agreed. 

Remus: Hey James, your son could do Adelphia commercials.  
James: What commercials? This is the seventies, Remus. And we're wizards.  
Remus: Right! I don't know...what is cable? What's satellite, for that matter? 

"We want Spongebob!" Abigail shouted. 

"WE WANT OUR MTV!" shouted guess-who. 

Lily: Gee, I don't know, who speaks in all caps?   
Sirius: What's MTV?   
Lily: Music Television.   
James: How do you know that?   
Lily: Good question. 

"We want TV!" Remus protested. 

"We want MONEY!" Ron screamed. Everyone stared at him. 

Sirius: Well, we do. 

"Well, we do," Ron said, shrugging. 

Sirius: This is scary. 

"We should sue!" Lily screamed, and everyone joined in again. 

"We demand minority rights!" James yelled. 

Sirius: Why? James, you're not exactly of a minority of any sort.   
James:....aren't wizards a minority?   
Peter: No.   
James:....I don't know, then. 

"We want tax reforms!"

"We want a new President!"

Remus: Who is shouting these random things? They're not even about the TV anymore.   
Peter: Does the Sahara desert have a president? 

"I don't think Morroco has a president," Abigail mused. "Isn't the Sahara Desert in Morroco?"

Peter: Okay, you're right, that is scary beyond scary. 

But no one was listening to her. 

All: YAY!   
James: Which has been the most intelligent thing anyone has done all fic. 

"We want Free Speech!" 

"We want Freedom of Press!"

"And Religion!"

Lily: Then move to America! 

Abigiail, using her women's intuition, sensed the situation was getting out of hand,

Remus: Insightful, that.   
James: And it took women's intuition to figure it out.   
Peter: I get this feeling Women's intition isn't all they crack it up to be.   
Lily: When used effectively, it is. PMS is a powerful force. 

so she typed quickly: _—It began to rain.—_

Sirius: So weren't they in a submarine with satellite TV? Why would they care?   
Remus: What happened to the sandstorm?   
Peter: Continuities! Who needs 'em?   
All: ME! ME! 

This had no effect because they were in a submarine,

Remus: I am good. I could write these things.  
James: If you believe these fanfic writer's names, you do. 

so Abby typed: _—And the submarine disappeared, leaving our heroes alone, in a sandstorm, in the rain. Things had never looked bleaker.—_

Peter: That's being melodramatic.   
James: No, Sirius is melodramatic.   
Sirius: Friends and countrymen, lend me your ears! For today we rally against a great foe--Fanfiction writers! They abuse us shamelessly! They terrorize us! And they make Lily Snape pairings! This is blatant abuse, and today we wage our war! Who's with me?   
Lily: I AM! 

"I dunno about that," Harry disagreed. "Things looked bleaker at the Dursley's, when I found the sorcerer's stone, when I was in the Chamber of Secrets, when Voldemort came back—" 

James: Oh great, he's back. Again. How stereotypical. 

"It's a stupid literary device!" Abigail interrupted, getting POed. 

"It is stupid," Harry said skeptically, but was interrupted by James. (Boy, aren't they impolite, interrupting everyone?)

Sirius: Yep. 

"Who are the Dursleys?" he frowned. "Why aren't you living with me and Lily?" 

"Lily and **I**,"

Remus: Actually, he was right the first time. 

Abigail shouted, actually being gramatically wrong by correcting him, because he was right the first time—I mean, you wouldn't say: "Why aren't you living with I?" would you, now?

Remus: I am good.   
Peter: You need a life. 

— but James ignored her. 

"My neglectful relatives who neglect me," Harry answered self-pityingly.

Sirius: Laying it on yourself pretty thick, aren't you Harry? I mean, look at my relatives. At least yours only neglect you; mine hate me. 

Lily looked horrified and rushed over to give him a hug. 

"Don't worry, Mommy will take care of you," she whispered soothingly, hugging Harry tightly.

James: Sickening mothering sentimental sentiments. Lily, I expected better.   
Lily: Don't worry. 

"Even though you're only seventeen," Hermione said dryly. Lily glared at her. 

Lily: I know lots of seventeen year old mothers.   
Remus: Who have sons that are fifteen?   
Peter: Um...that's physically impossible. Or else James has definate child molestation issues.   
James: I do NOT!   
Sirius: Yeah Jamsie, that's what _you_ say...

"I might not be married yet, but he's still my son, okay?"

"He looks more like Prongs," Sirius commented. 

Sirius: And I would know...how? I've never seen the kid.   
Peter: You have in this fanfic, Sirius. Fanfics are NOT to be confused with real life. 

"He's got Lily's eyes," Remus disagreed. "And her build. He's not as tall as James." 

"Er, hang on," Ron said blankly. "Didn't you three write the Marauder's Map?" 

Sirius: No, we just are impersonating the people who did.   
James: Yeah, so much for three months work of work.   
Remus: No, we didn't, we didn't write a map, we only wrote one map, maybe one, but no more than that...

Sirius beamed. "A clever invention, that!" he said happily.

Sirius: And it was all my idea. You see, I was bored, and we were sitting in the common room, trying to find ways to better help our mischief-making in years to come, and to help us find our way around the school, so that was when Prongs suggested that we....*continues blabbering*   
All the rest of the cast, who have heard the story at least ten times, roll their eyes and continue reading. 

"And it was my idea, all my idea. You see, I was bored, and we were sitting in the common room—" and here he started on a long and tedious story which I will not type,

Sirius: Yep, that was how it happened!   
James: And you go on and on and on and on...

much like Abigail's story of How Sticky Became Evil and How Abby and Her Best Friend Corrupted The Innocent One to Become Sticky,

All: o_0  
Lily: That was pointless   
Remus: I think this whole story is pointless. 

but both of those are irrelevant and pointless and boring and long-winded. 

Meanwhile, sand got in everyone's eyes. 

"HOW CAN IT BE RAINING DURING A SANDSTORM?" Sticky screeched. "This isn't real, this is a stupid fanfic, 

All: AMEN! 

I'm going to wake up and it will all be gone, it's not real, I will wake up, I'm going to wake up....I'M GOING TO DIE!!!" she screamed, part of that sentence actually not said in all caps. She's making progress. 

Peter: Woot Sticky. 

_—Suddenly, everyone started speaking pig latin.—_ Abigailyay ypedtay. 

Remus: That was random.   
James: This whole fic is random.   
Sirius: Iyay ovelay Igpay Atinlay!   
Lily: Okay Sirius, I have a feeling this is going to be confusing enough without adding to it.   
"ATWHAY? ATWHAY AREYAY EYAY AYINGSAY?" Ickystay eamedscray.

Peter: Translation, please, Sirius?   
Sirius: '"What? What? What are we saying?" Sticky screamed."   
James: Thank you, Captain Bordem. 

" IYAY AN'TCAY UNDERSTANDYAY YSELFMAY ALKTAY! ATWHAY AMYAY IYAY AYINGSAY? ELPHAY EMAY!" 

Sirius: "I can't understand myself talk! What am I saying? Help me!"   
Lily: Not like you ever can....

"UMMYRAY!" Ilylay outedshay iumphantlytray. 

Sirius: "RUMMY!" Lily shouted triumphantly.   
Lily: I did not!   
Peter: You did in the fic. 

"hmmmay...isthay ouldcay esentpray ayay oblempray," Abigailyay ownedfray.

Sirius: "Hmmm...this could present a problem," Abigail frowned. 

"Ellway, Iyay uessgay eway an'tcay alktay ikelay isthay, ancay eway?" Eshay ypedtay: 

Sirius: "Well, I guess we can't talk like this, can we?" She typed: 

_—Eythay allyay eganbay eakingspay Englishyay.—_

Sirius: They all began speaking Englishyay.   
Remus: Englishyay. Interesting language, that.   
Peter: Oh yes, who needs to speak English when you can speak Englishyay?   
Lily: And here all these years I thought the language was English. What do I know?   
James: Poor, poor Lily. Can't even speak Englishyay. 

Immediately, everyone began speaking Engligsh again. 

All: HALELUJAH! 

"That was hard to type," Abigail commented softly. "Atwhay oday youay owknay?" 

Sirius: What do you know?   
James: Transifuration, Charms, Potions, Astrology, Herbology, Quidditch, Lily...  
Remus: I thin he was translating Abby's pig latin, James.   
James: Really? Oh. 

Sticky stared at her, horrified. Abigail grinned. "I can speak English, it was a joke," she said impatiently. 

"That was awesome!" Sirius yelled. "Do another one!"

James: Now THAT sounds like Sirius.   
Remus: Yeah, it does, and that's the scary part.   
Lily: That she can write him in character? Nah, she's good about in character stuff since we had that little talk. 

And because Abigail thinks Sirius is *whistle* hot, she did.

James: Sirius, we hate you.

"NOOOO!!!!!" Sticky screamed, but it was in vain. Abby typed: 

Lily: That they all went home and Abby died. 

_—After her other fun experience, Abigail decided they should all speak in...Sweedish Chef.—_

All: WHAT?

"VHET?" Steecky screemed. Bork bork bork! "I DON'T IFEN KNOV SVEEDISH!!!! I CEN'T TELK LIKE A SVEEDISH CHEF! VEIT, VHET EM I SEYING?" 

Peter: Okay, that is kind of amusing.   
Lily: Moderately. I like it better than Pig Latin. 

Ebeegeil looghed hystereecelly. Bork bork bork! "Leestee tu yuoorselff, Steecky!" she-a geeggled. Bork bork bork! "I shuoold du thees in ifery funffeec!"

All: NO! 

"NOOOOO!" ell zee cunun roommy-pleyeeng cherecters screemed. Bork bork bork! 

Sirius: And bork bork bork to you too, good mam!   
Lily: That's what we did scream, and for good reason. 

"Vhet is veet zee burks?" Sureeoos esked, skepteecelly. Bork bork bork! 

James: Sirius, you're a freak. Go back to sleep. 

"I doonnu," Ebeegeil shroogged. Bork bork bork! "I'm oon thees vebseete-a thet trunsletes it fur yuoo, su vhet du I knoo?"

Remus: Nothing. 

"Guud qooesshun," Herry groombled, boot Ebeegeil heerd. Bork bork bork! 

"I heerd thet!" she-a seeed. Bork bork bork! "I knoo a lut!"

Lily: And you obviously don't know how to spell. 

"Joost chunge-a it beck!" Leely shreeeked. Bork bork bork! "Ioogh! I hete-a telkeeng leeke-a thees!" 

James: I can't understand why. It's so much fun.  
Sirius: I like Pig Latin better. 

Jemes looghed es Ebeegeil typed: _—Zeen zeey ell telked in regooler lungooege-a...Ingleesh, thet is. Um gesh dee bork, bork!—_

Immediately, everything was back to English, for the sanity of all. "I like Pig Latin better," Sirius said, 

Sirius: Ooh! Scary! 

but Sticky interrupted before purple fangirl (Abigail) could type them all back into Pig Latin. 

All: AMEN! WE LOVE YOU, STICKY! 

"AREN'T WE SUPPOSED TO BE IN A SANDSTORM?" she howled over the wind, which returned to full force, which Abigail had forgotten about during the dialect fun. 

All: -_-....  
Remus: How lucky. 

_—Um...the sandstorm suddenly disappeared and they were all on a beach in Saint Thomas in the Virgin Islands,—_ Abigail typed suddenly. 

All: WOOT!

"Now _this_ is the lifestyle!" Harry said with satisfaction.

Lily: You said it, brother.   
Remus: Isn't he your son?   
Lily: It's a figure of speech. 

"I win!" 

James: Or it could be that. 

"Crap!" Ron said after a moment, studying his hand. "Well, that puts me fifty points in the hole." 

Peter: These people are horrible at Rummy. 

"How is it that Moony always manages these things?" Sirius demanded disgustedly, throwing down two aces and two queens. Remus grinned self satisfactorily as he collected cards. 

Remus: I'm da man, I'm da man, I won, uh-uh...

"That'll be about ninety five for me, and how many do I take away there, Lily?" he asked smugly. 

Lily: *glares at him* 

Lily glared at him. 

Lily: That is scary. 

Sticky, the poor thing, seemed on the verge of a nervous collapse, staring at Abigail, one eyebrow twitching uncontrollably, staring at Abigail like she would go insane at any moment. 

James: I can't imagine why....

"No fear," Abigail told her. "I plan on us staying here for the remainder of the fic...or at least, this chapter." 

_—And so the chapter ended—_ Abigail typed. _—Our heroes and a very nervous Sticky about to have an anxiety attack played Rummy on the beach in the Virgin Islands for the rest of the chapter in peace. Tune in next time to hear Abigail type—_

But her tirade was cut short by Sticky typing in very big, bold letters:

_—**THE END!!!**—_ All: AMEN! WE LOVE YOU STICKY!!! 

* * *

Abigail: That wasn't so bad, now was it???   
Sirius: Are you kidding me? I loved the Pig Latin!   
Lily: I'm going to kill you now. Just kill you now.   
Abigail: Um...you're a figment of my imagination! Go away! 

And suddenly, all the Marauders and Lily were gone from the small white padded room, leaving Purple Abigail Girl to sit and stare at her computer in peace. 


End file.
